Try Again

I knew from the beginning that losing weight wouldn’t be easy. I mean if it was I would have done it before I had my child and heck I would’ve never gotten out of shape in the first place. My problem is my ever changing mood…

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When I start, I am very enthusiastic and upbeat. I plan, focus and go for it. But the minute I have a series of bad days or I feel emotionally drained I revert back to old bad habits. I comfort myself with food and cleaning rather than identifying the cause of the upset. I would rather go on auto pilot than deal with whatever is bugging me. When I try to motivate myself again I ruin it by thinking of how much further I have to go. Or I focus on what I could’ve accomplished if I didn’t mess up in the first place and this makes everything worse. This vicious cycle will continue until I allow myself to make mistakes without considering it a complete failure.

I know, like my previous posts imply or out right say, this journey is not a straight line. It is a wibbly wobbly (Doctor Who fans??) road leading to my best life and as long as I don’t die I can try again.

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Wedding Ring

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What my husband said:

  • It’s just a ring
  • It’s not a big deal
  • It’s not like you did it on purpose
  • I wanted to upgrade you anyways now I’ll just be doing it sooner

What I said:

  • It was my ring though
  • I think it’s a big deal
  • No but I should’ve taken it in for maintenance like they recommended
  • Really?!

I was thrilled when he said he wanted to upgrade my ring but then we went shopping… While going from store to store I thought about the whole day surrounding actually getting my ring. We took off of work, got the marriage license then headed to the store to look at rings and I ended up getting it right then and there 🙂 I was so happy and replacing the ring felt like I was trying to replace memories so I stopped looking. Hubby came up with the bright idea to double check the warranty even though it technically expired. Well guess what Le Vian has a lifetime warranty! It is going to take a while to get it back and I was without it during our anniversary but I’ll still have my ring. My memories remain intack and when I eventually get an upgrade it’ll be a fun surprise rather than a replacement 🙂

Cooking with Pinterest

For most of my life I’ve had little to no interest in cooking. Sure I loved to eat but I had no desire to be the one cooking it. I viewed cooking as something I had to do rather than something I wanted to do. Here’s my timeline for somewhat reluctantly developing my cooking skills:

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The only thing that really helped me to learn more was motherhood. Now that my son is here, I keep picturing him going over someone’s house and saying his mommy can’t cook like this. Or worse him not wanting to come home because mommy’s food sucks. I should say I’m not a terrible cook just an uninterested one. I could always cook simple things like baked chicken, most items from a box and rice among other things but I’ve never really enjoyed it. However my paranoia, son and new job (Domestic Engineer) have all helped to make me care. I owe a huge thanks to Pinterest for having tons of fun easy things to experiment with. I’ve been having so much fun cooking using different recipes that I wanted to dedicate an entire post to what I’ve been up to in the kitchen.

Same recipe I mentioned before except I adjusted the measurements to accommodate the amount of pumpkin I had left overwp-1478417370727.jpeg

Most people I know have cooked one or both of these but this was my first time trying itwp-1478417138048.jpeg

Simple, easy and tastywp-1478416830520.jpeg

I would definitely consider this a fad but it was fun to do this using only the microwave
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Side note I have a Pinterest addiction in case you couldn’t tell 😉

Recovery – Emotions pt 2

Ah good ole healing and over estimating…

 

As I stated in my last post, the emotional toll has been tough and I wasn’t ready. I’ve already gone over breastfeeding now lets dive head first into healing and over estimating my abilities…

It is a necessary evil but it is evil… Let me explain. I thought I prepared for everything. I read a ton, took all the classes, made note of all the advice I received and researched every possible (common) birthing situation. I was ready for the unmedicated vaginal birth that I wanted to try as well as the meds I could ask for and their side effects, c-section, emergency c-section and complete knockout. I felt very fortunate to have the birth I wanted (see LnD for details) but I wasn’t prepared for the disappointment I’d feel when I got home.

I had this beautiful healthy baby boy, my husband by my side, a clean apartment and a clear mind that allowed me to be present and truly soak in the wonderful changes that were ahead of us. We took a seat on the couch and stared at this little human in complete awe that he was finally on the outside. The first full week with the three of us was amazing. It was challenging but great. However everything seemed to change when hubby went back to work. I knew what to expect when he went back but I wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared for the annoyance and random pain/ irritation from my vag stitches.

 

WARNING – Things are about to get real…

The first day was weird. I didn’t want to be away from him for a second for fear he’d disappear or I’d return to the horrible reality of SIDS but logically speaking I knew I’d eventually have to put him down. I had to time my bathroom breaks correctly or else I’d be running off the toilet bleeding, sore and waddling w/ my pants around my ankles. My bathroom trips were as follows:

Supplies

  • fill up squeeze bottle w/ warm water (only because cold water sucks)
  • grab Tuck pads ( unnecessary but in my mind this helped prevent hemorrhoids)
  • perineal ice pack (vag ice pack)
  • after swelling went down the ice pack was replaced with pads
    • note to younger generation the new “heavy” pads are so thin compared to the giant pads that we heavy flows once had to use
  • flushable wipes (adult baby wipes)

Process

  • use bathroom as normal
    • good time to note I was terrified to have a bowel movement (BM). the first BM was awful and the blood (from vag) looked like a crime scene. so all BM was accompanied w/ slight fear of seeing the same horror show and feeling like I was being ripped apart down there…
  • use squeeze bottle filled with warm water
  • wipe with wet flushable wipes because regular TP felt like sandpaper
  • open, crack and shake ice pack
  • place Tuck pads on ice pack (later on would be placed on heavy flow pad)
  • use numbing spray as necessary (all the time)
  • waddle out the bathroom like a baby wearing a diaper…

That was my routine for what felt like forever but I eventually adjusted. What I didn’t adjust to was the pain that would radiate from my nether region up through my lower back and sometimes down my leg. It was so persistent that my sciatica came back. Yet more things I didn’t think I’d have to deal with because of the “you’ll be back to normal in no time” lie that was told to me since I had an uncomplicated birth. Plus with that statement rolling around in my head I felt like a failure because I was still sore. I felt I didn’t deserve to take the pain meds prescribed to me since everything went so well during delivery. I was also paranoid about the effects it would have on my little man. I kept piling on the expectations and guilt over not being healed and up and running at full speed. I kept wondering why I was still sore, bleeding and experiencing intense back pain. I told myself if I wasn’t overweight when I got pregnant I wouldn’t still be in pain. If I would have followed a strict healthy lifestyle while pregnant then I wouldn’t still be in pain. If I would have just XYZ then I’d be perfectly fine but I wasn’t. The pain eventually grew so intense that I couldn’t pick him up one day (about 3.5wk pp).

I finished running errands, cleaning up, cooking dinner and was now refilling the mobile diaper station aka the pack n play when it happened. I was picking up my crying heart (my son) when I knew I needed to quickly and carefully put him back down so I didn’t drop him. I lost all control and fell to the side of the pack n play. He started crying louder and I ugly cried in utter pain. I was afraid because I didn’t know why I’d simply collapsed. I had the pain before but this time my body decided it didn’t want to support me. It didn’t want to keep holding me up after continuously pushing it. If I didn’t say it before I’m saying it now. No one put this pressure on me except myself. I wanted to be supermom and I expected myself to do so because I no longer worked, my delivery went great and my son was ideal. I felt I needed to live up to all the expectations I had in my head. But my body couldn’t keep up. I wasn’t sleeping or eating enough (some days only a handful of whatever was close) or taking time out for myself so my body (in a very loud way) said you can’t keep this up. This also coincided with the breastfeeding issues I was having. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that even with a nearly textbook delivery I needed to focus on taking care of myself and my son and doing other things as I felt up to it.

I wish I could say this was my wake up call but it wasn’t. I got worse and so did my need to prove I was fine. It wasn’t until breaking down completely in front of the lactation consultant that I realized I needed to stop before my sadness (over not being supermom) turned into full blown postpartum depression. My husband happened to be off that day and was able to come with me so he was able to reason with me. He reminded me that these were my own requirements driving me insane not my son or anyone else. He held me and reminded me that it hadn’t been that long since I had a child. He also reminded me that if I kept going I would really break down and wouldn’t be able to take care of our son then he lightened the mood by trailing off into something funny involving what he was saying. It helped tremendously. I spent the next day treating my body as I should have from the beginning. I watched movies, took care of my son and allowed myself to relax. I allowed myself to just be… And I felt like I’d DIE!! But that got me to thinking. I needed to relax in order to recharge but a complete stop would drive me insane. Then I realized BALANCE is what I needed.

I had to allow myself to do both. I had to allow myself to let go of the supermom idea. I had to realize pregnancy was very taxing and delivery was the fast version of the whole time I was pregnant. I needed to allow myself to heal the way my body wanted to. Mentally I couldn’t sit around while my apartment became dirty and cluttered but physically I couldn’t keep deep cleaning like I used to. Physically I needed to rest when I could and exist in the new role I was in. Mentally I needed to cope with my new limitations instead of beating myself up for a made up version of motherhood. Sure there might be times I’m supermom but I needed to be okay being normal mom.

To my son: Mommy is trying the best she can while still trying to maintain her own identity. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my life will never be the same but it is a great thing. I’m changing into someone I never thought I could be. I’m doing things I didn’t think I was capable of. Most importantly I’m finding a new type of strength. I’ve always been able to physically push through things but mentally I’d block out and avoid anything that caused mental pain. Being your mommy is teaching me to deal with mental/emotional pain in the same way I deal w/ physical pain; head on and armed with as much knowledge as possible. My hope for you is that you’ll go through life the same way. With your eyes wide open and armed with as much knowledge as possible coupled with commonsense of course. And if you get married and your wife finds herself in a similar situation do what your dad did for me. Remind her she’s a wonderfully made human and you’ll support her through whatever. Also offer to take your little one so she can have a break knowing her child is close by and in the best hands (next to her own of course 😉

30 Weeks & Fetal Movement

Finally, I am back on track! Sure I may have published one too many posts today but I really wanted to play catch up since I am getting ready to finish his nursery, continue taking pregnancy related classes and a bunch of other things. Ugh so many changes and so many emotions. First the official 30 week update then additional stuff.

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Mood: Good

Energy: Low (tired)

Appetite: High

Baby Movement: Yes but sporadic

Contractions: NA

This has been a week of insane growth! I didn’t realize how big my stomach has gotten until I saw the reactions of people who hadn’t seen me in a few weeks. I knew it must be getting bigger because turning over in bed has become a full on cardio workout 🙂 Speaking of bed, sleep is the most elusive creature of all times. I feel as though I am more likely to see a unicorn dancing with a leprechaun on the yellow brick road than I am to have a good night’s sleep.  I have now given up and decided the recliner will be my new sleeping partner until further notice. But for whatever reason I decided to give my bed one more try – FAIL. I will be back in the recliner tonight…

Now onto heavier more serious stuff – Fetal Movement. In a previous post I mentioned receiving the kick counter. In case you aren’t familiar with a kick counter it is a piece of sturdy paper on which to record your baby’s movements (see below).

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It’s very straight forward; see how long it takes you to count 10 movements. Pretty much every movement counts except for hiccups. As you can see, part of me wasn’t paying attention because I didn’t realize this was supposed to be daily. Thankfully it only took me until Thursday to figure that out. I was off to a great start. He normally moves at night starting right after dinner so timing him was easy at first. I forgot the following Thursday because I was so tired I just passed out as soon as I sat down in the recliner. I figured the next few days would be slightly off as I was sick again and it was draining any energy I had. Then we (baby and I) hit the 30 week mark…

Week 30 was a different story. I was (am) still trying to get over a cold and knew I’d have to pay special attention to his kick counter so I didn’t mess anything up or miss anything like I did the previous weeks. At first I figured the counter was off due to my error. Like I said I was tired from being sick, my body and mind were (are) still adjusting to being at home and balance isn’t my best quality so I brushed it off as being my fault. As the days continued, I began to realize that something was off. Counting became increasing difficult and stressful. Saturday was my breaking point.

I spent almost all day obsessing over his movements or lack thereof. I started doubting myself around 2pm when I still hadn’t felt any significant movement. I began texting friends who’d recently given birth and who could help me understand what could be going on. I then did the unthinkable… Yes, I turned back to Dr. Google. Well as expected nothing was easing my mind and Dr. Google just made it worse. I saw things ranging from everything is fine because baby sleeps like an infant on the outside to your baby is dying seek help immediately. Needless to say everything I read pre-pregnancy had gone out the window and I went into complete mental freak out. I am super responsible and practical even when terrified; so being in between insurance due to leaving work I wanted to make sure I was covered before I flew to the ER or Labor & Delivery or whoever helps super paranoid first-time moms. I was okay but again logic was trying to push through so I did everything I could think of in order to get him to move. Sugar (ice cream), caffeine (mocha), exercise (walking), ice cold water then hubby tried to get him to move but nothing worked.

Phone call verifying on coverage – Check. Reassurance/ advice from friends – Check. Harassing hubby for his opinion – Check. Consulting kick counter – Check. Calming my fears – Epic Fail. As my panic mounted these are the things that ran through my head:

  • Everything is fine. He’s just tired from all the weight he’s putting on in preparation for birth.
  • Your baby is dying and you’re worried about how much peace of mind will cost you
  • If he dies, it is your fault
  • Why don’t you sit down and think about all of the things you’ve already read on this?!
  • What good is the internet if no one will agree and make you feel better??
  • Hubby is right. Baby is fine and you’re just overreacting. Thanks hormones
  • Something is wrong call the experts!
  • PANIC

When I burst out in tears while trying to explain myself to my hubby is when I knew I just needed to call. Fortunately I had just enough logic left to look on the kick counter card for the right number to call. Right there it said call this number if. I called and explained everything to the wonder L&D nurse who said “We’re not going to play a guessing game. Come in right away. Everything is most likely fine but I’d rather check your baby out just to be sure.” I calmly thank her and tell hubby we have to drive across town so I can get checked out at the hospital we’ll be delivering at. He still insists everything is fine but knows better than to argue with me when I’ve made up my mind. So through tears, an elevated heart rate and a potential looming asthma attack we head to the hospital.

As we’re driving you could hear a pin drop. Finally hubby reassures me and we start talking. I make a joke about how we should time it so we know how long it’ll take us to get to the hospital and he reminds me that at almost 11pm we’re not going to get an accurate time since there is no traffic. I didn’t care and timed it anyways plus I needed a distraction from my horrible “your baby is dead” thoughts. I must admit that I stumbled upon a stillbirth vlog and it really threw me off so I might have been way more fearful than necessary. Anyways we finally arrived at the hospital, got checked in, gave urine sample and was quickly hooked up for monitoring. It felt like an eternity before my husband was allowed in the room (yes, even on these trips they make companions wait outside until the questions are asked). I was relieved at hearing his heartbeat even though I’d already heard it at home on my Doppler. I again started to panic (thanks Dr. Google) because what I read said a heartbeat doesn’t equal a healthy baby. Right at that moment an RN came in the room chatted with us, let us know what was going to happen then disappeared because someone was having a real emergency. After the real emergency was handled she came back checked a few more things then let us know the doctor would be in to do the final check which was an ultrasound. Before leaving she let me know that with such a big difference they would have told me to come in even if I only called the advice line. She said they have to answer to a lot of people including their own conscience so they would have told me to come in just in case. She also let us know that she had a very quiet baby (2nd pregnancy) and would randomly go hook herself up to monitor her daughter. That really made me feel better. Here she is a trained professional and she still worried when her baby didn’t move that much. When the doctor finally came in she had the ultrasound machine with her. She reassured us these were just precautions and that so far nothing has indicated a problem. She did the ultrasound and everything was great. She let us know some common causes of slowed fetal movement but she also followed it up by saying trust your instincts. If you feel something is wrong call us no matter how silly/ crazy you might feel because normally everything is fine but sometimes it isn’t and I’d hate for you to ignore your feelings and have a bad outcome.

After all of the reassurance and kind words we were on our way. I felt better, baby was okay and hubby didn’t have to listen to my paranoid fears all night. I was also able to ask how they felt about nurse gifts for the delivery team as well as how many people attend a healthy delivery. In my case everything was fine and our baby is healthy. However if you find yourself in the same situation GET HELP.

My advice:

  • When in doubt seek immediate help
    • Doctors have years of schooling and experience. Let them help
  • Know your baby’s moving habits
    • 10 movements in 2hrs might not be your baby’s version of normal
  • Never feel crazy when it comes to the health of your child
    • Better safe than sorry
  • You are not a doctor therefore you can’t be sure so don’t try to do their job! Ask a professional

Again in my case everything was fine but please seek help if you are concerned 🙂