I’m not sure why but pictures from older posts are no longer there. My only theory is that I deleted the pictures from Media and that’s why they’re no longer there… Well this is simply my way of acknowledging that they’re gone and I haven’t the foggiest way of how to retrieve them. Sorry and going forward I won’t delete anything unless this happens regardless then I’m not sure what I’ll do.
We finally bought a house! It took a lot of work to get to this point but we’re finally home. I’ll make random posts about it as we fix it but this will be a bunch of before pictures. It’s a small fixer but a great starter home and the price was right. I would include a video but I don’t know how.
This is our first home as a family! We might not be here when you’re a big boy but know that we went through a lot to make sure you had a yard to run around in.
Lots of things have been happening lately but the most important thing has been an invaluable lesson about the difference between the love I have for my human baby and my fur baby. Before I gave birth to my son (even up until these events) I used to think I’d love my human and animal baby the same. I used to believe I would not make a huge distinction between the two besides the obvious difference of human being the priority in the event of an emergency. Now I understand how naive I was. Here’s how my thinking has been altered…
The Eyeopener: I went to my house early during the week in order to continue fixing it up. I left my son with my mom and thanked her for watching him. A few hours later I get a call from my sister saying she had something to tell me. She asked if I was sitting down. My heart races, I feel faint and I’m on the verge of a full blown panic attack. In those brief seconds before my mom got on the phone my mind raced about all the things that could be wrong with my son. Did he have an allergic reaction to something? Did they discover he has asthma like I do? Did he all of a sudden have something else horrible happen? But my mom grabbed the phone and simply said Oreo’s eye is swollen. Oreo is my fur baby and not once did he come into my mind as my sister started her conversation. Upon hearing it was him, I was completely relieved. I felt awful because not once did I think about him. And I felt even worse that I was relieved it was my fur baby instead of my human baby. At this point I said to myself “shame on you for being relieved” and I promised myself I’d change that in the future.
The Heart Cracker: Again I was heading to my house for the same reason as before under the same circumstances. This time I didn’t make it. Without going into too many details, I was in an accident. No it wasn’t my fault and yes everyone is alive. I needed to go to the house so I did but I cried while in the bathroom. I eventually got myself together and went back to my mom’s house. I cried off and on the entire way and I freaked out a few times afraid someone would hit me. Upon arriving back at my mom’s I cried again. All I could think about is how much worse it would have been if my son was in the car. I cried to my mom for the pain I was in, the accident that shook me up and the thought of what could have happened. She (my mom) tried her best to reassure me and remind me that he wasn’t in the car and he was perfectly safe. This was the final event that let me know there is a difference.
The Equalizer/ Redemption (sort of): While I know they aren’t the same there are still times when fur baby will win. We’ve discovered human baby can’t be trusted with animals until he understands gentle touches. One night while playing with his daddy (my husband), he sat quietly watching Oreo. He didn’t try to touch him like normal so we let him keep watching his doggie. A few seconds later Oreo gets brave and walks towards this space invader to get a closer look. This is a big deal because ever since the last incident he no longer tries to interact with his human sibling. Right as he gets closer Mr. Fast Hands grabs Oreo’s ear and pulls so hard he yelps and runs. I was angry. I immediately grabbed Oreo and gave him lots of snuggles and love. At the same time, I looked at my son and told him (in a stern voice) we do not treat Oreo (or any animal) that way. I never thought I could be angry with a baby but in that moment he attacked my fur baby. Sure I was mad but that felt like my redemption. I was reminded that no they aren’t the same but like all things in life there are certain reactions for every occasion.
As much as I wanted to believe I wouldn’t make a difference and I’d try to treat them the same I know differently. I know while I love my fur baby tremendously he’s not the same as my human baby. I realize my human baby will come first in the event of an emergency. However there are still instances when my fur baby will win. It’ll all depend on the circumstances. But for now I walk away from my experiences with a little more knowledge and acceptance than before. I love you son and now I know my love for you isn’t the same as for your fur brother but it doesn’t have to be. The love I have for you, your fur brother, your dad and others is all different and that’s ok.
I’m literally at the tail end of the best date night since having my son. This has been magical. What was supposed to be a quick trip turned into an impromptu night for my husband and I.
It started as needing to drop off things but I ended up inviting hubby. He was tired and didn’t feel like going but he knows his wife and agreed to humor me. As we were heading to our intended destination we saw food trucks and thought “that’s where we’re going for dinner”. I should mention this is special because after a hard week at work, pregnancy pain and irritation hubby surprised me by taking me to a food truck event. Happiest pregnant lady ever! Anyways we dropped everything off and headed back.
Upon arriving we see a compacted area of awesome near our new house (we bought a house but that’s a different post). We, for the first time in forever, get carded tagged and walk into the event.
We see this along with tons of food, adults, kids and pets.
I didn’t get any pictures because I was too busy enjoying myself. I ate popcorn chicken with gravy and Jasmine rice plus lumpia. Hubby ate chicken adobo with Jasmine rice and lumpia. I don’t remember the name of the truck but it was slightly salty yet still delicious. Then we tried fancy grass fed hot dogs and those were amazing. I ate a spicy cheddar dog and he ate a kobe beef dog. As we ate we laughed, cracked food jokes and enjoyed each other’s company. It was epic.
Fast forward to right now and we’re sipping on chai tea & drip coffee while enjoying an almond croissant. That’s when the lightning struck for this post! I plan on making this a regular post for two reasons. One we NEED a date night. Two it sort of holds me accountable for making time for date night. I’m not saying this will be weekly but it’ll at least be monthly. Once a month we can focus on each other and continue to make sure WE as a couple are still in sync.
PS – please forgive any errors (or crummy quality of pics) as I’m writing this on my phone☺
We’ve been together since I was born. We’ve weathered many storms. We’ve gone on adventures and explored new places. You never judged me or left me in my time of need. Now that I enter a new phase in my life I couldn’t help but notice our relationship has changed. You’re fading, going away, backing off… I don’t know how to deal with this. I knew it was a possibility but I fooled myself into thinking we were going to get through this untouched. I figured you were strong enough to stick around during the most exciting yet scariest time in my life OUR life. But, like so many others have already experienced, you abandoned me so where do we go from here.
Okay so that was extremely dramatic but you get my point. I started noticing thinning around my hairline when I hit 3 months postpartum. At 4 months I knew I wasn’t crazy and that my edges were indeed thinning. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t convince myself that my edges would be fine. However I did and now I’m way more traumatized than I should be. I would pick my son over my edges but I miss them. Pulled back hairstyles don’t look the same and the overall feel of a simple ponytail or bun is just sad now. I have confidence my edges will return to me but for now I wonder where our relationship went wrong. Was it the pregnancy hormones? The lack of attention? The frequent washing without conditioning? Only time will reveal the reason but know I miss you and I will do everything I can to get you to come back to me.
This blog is and always will be a way for my son (or any future children) to get to know me and hopefully to give anyone else some comfort that they aren’t alone. But I’ve been wondering… Should I include pictures? I’m still leaning towards none with faces but posting a few. My reasoning is you (my son) will have all of the ones with the faces included so having them for the world to see is unnecessary. On the other hand I’m sure I’ll want to show you your mommy’s progress as she gets healthy and shrinks down! Okay okay I just want to show my progress.
Wow you just attempted to roll over as I’m writing this (6/30/16)!! You didn’t but I’m excited now.
I’m going to be honest this is also about me and by golly I want to have evidence of how far I’ve come. Now I should be honest and say I was overweight before I being pregnant but I’d love to slim down and get even better than what I was 🙂 My constant silent goal since turning 26 was to improve in some way every year. Well I’ve been failing. Sure I’ve changed but it wasn’t necessarily an improvement. So now that you’ve arrived I feel as though my drive has been renewed. (Side note you’re angrily shaking the toys attached to the top of your play mat and it’s adorable). Must pause for undisclosed amount of time because my time for writing is up…
The pause was super long (7/25/16)! I honestly don’t remember everything I was going to write so I’ll sum it up based on what’s above.
Plans:
Here’s my quick opinion of each class based only on my birthing experience with my first child. It’ll say yes or no along with a brief reason.
Early Pregnancy – Yes* but you can find everything online
Late Pregnancy – YES because the hospital tour really made hubby and I feel more at ease and prepared since we knew what to expect
Infant Safety and CPR (non-certified) – YES but thank goodness we haven’t had to use it
Prepared Childbirth – Yes but I could definitely skip this for any additional children unless it was 4+ years since having my first. I did use a technique from the class which was breathing in/ out slowly and deeply while closing my eyes and focusing on getting through each wave (contraction)
Breastfeeding – Yes* and no. I’m only torn because the class itself was good and told you how to contact a lactation consultant (LC) but I still NEEDED an LC and you could find all of the info online
Newborn Care – Yes (see memes below) unless you’re not a first time parent, are around a lot of babies or if you take care of babies for a living
*if the class is offered for free
Ah good ole healing and over estimating…
As I stated in my last post, the emotional toll has been tough and I wasn’t ready. I’ve already gone over breastfeeding now lets dive head first into healing and over estimating my abilities…
It is a necessary evil but it is evil… Let me explain. I thought I prepared for everything. I read a ton, took all the classes, made note of all the advice I received and researched every possible (common) birthing situation. I was ready for the unmedicated vaginal birth that I wanted to try as well as the meds I could ask for and their side effects, c-section, emergency c-section and complete knockout. I felt very fortunate to have the birth I wanted (see LnD for details) but I wasn’t prepared for the disappointment I’d feel when I got home.
I had this beautiful healthy baby boy, my husband by my side, a clean apartment and a clear mind that allowed me to be present and truly soak in the wonderful changes that were ahead of us. We took a seat on the couch and stared at this little human in complete awe that he was finally on the outside. The first full week with the three of us was amazing. It was challenging but great. However everything seemed to change when hubby went back to work. I knew what to expect when he went back but I wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared for the annoyance and random pain/ irritation from my vag stitches.
WARNING – Things are about to get real…
The first day was weird. I didn’t want to be away from him for a second for fear he’d disappear or I’d return to the horrible reality of SIDS but logically speaking I knew I’d eventually have to put him down. I had to time my bathroom breaks correctly or else I’d be running off the toilet bleeding, sore and waddling w/ my pants around my ankles. My bathroom trips were as follows:
Supplies
Process
That was my routine for what felt like forever but I eventually adjusted. What I didn’t adjust to was the pain that would radiate from my nether region up through my lower back and sometimes down my leg. It was so persistent that my sciatica came back. Yet more things I didn’t think I’d have to deal with because of the “you’ll be back to normal in no time” lie that was told to me since I had an uncomplicated birth. Plus with that statement rolling around in my head I felt like a failure because I was still sore. I felt I didn’t deserve to take the pain meds prescribed to me since everything went so well during delivery. I was also paranoid about the effects it would have on my little man. I kept piling on the expectations and guilt over not being healed and up and running at full speed. I kept wondering why I was still sore, bleeding and experiencing intense back pain. I told myself if I wasn’t overweight when I got pregnant I wouldn’t still be in pain. If I would have followed a strict healthy lifestyle while pregnant then I wouldn’t still be in pain. If I would have just XYZ then I’d be perfectly fine but I wasn’t. The pain eventually grew so intense that I couldn’t pick him up one day (about 3.5wk pp).
I finished running errands, cleaning up, cooking dinner and was now refilling the mobile diaper station aka the pack n play when it happened. I was picking up my crying heart (my son) when I knew I needed to quickly and carefully put him back down so I didn’t drop him. I lost all control and fell to the side of the pack n play. He started crying louder and I ugly cried in utter pain. I was afraid because I didn’t know why I’d simply collapsed. I had the pain before but this time my body decided it didn’t want to support me. It didn’t want to keep holding me up after continuously pushing it. If I didn’t say it before I’m saying it now. No one put this pressure on me except myself. I wanted to be supermom and I expected myself to do so because I no longer worked, my delivery went great and my son was ideal. I felt I needed to live up to all the expectations I had in my head. But my body couldn’t keep up. I wasn’t sleeping or eating enough (some days only a handful of whatever was close) or taking time out for myself so my body (in a very loud way) said you can’t keep this up. This also coincided with the breastfeeding issues I was having. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that even with a nearly textbook delivery I needed to focus on taking care of myself and my son and doing other things as I felt up to it.
I wish I could say this was my wake up call but it wasn’t. I got worse and so did my need to prove I was fine. It wasn’t until breaking down completely in front of the lactation consultant that I realized I needed to stop before my sadness (over not being supermom) turned into full blown postpartum depression. My husband happened to be off that day and was able to come with me so he was able to reason with me. He reminded me that these were my own requirements driving me insane not my son or anyone else. He held me and reminded me that it hadn’t been that long since I had a child. He also reminded me that if I kept going I would really break down and wouldn’t be able to take care of our son then he lightened the mood by trailing off into something funny involving what he was saying. It helped tremendously. I spent the next day treating my body as I should have from the beginning. I watched movies, took care of my son and allowed myself to relax. I allowed myself to just be… And I felt like I’d DIE!! But that got me to thinking. I needed to relax in order to recharge but a complete stop would drive me insane. Then I realized BALANCE is what I needed.
I had to allow myself to do both. I had to allow myself to let go of the supermom idea. I had to realize pregnancy was very taxing and delivery was the fast version of the whole time I was pregnant. I needed to allow myself to heal the way my body wanted to. Mentally I couldn’t sit around while my apartment became dirty and cluttered but physically I couldn’t keep deep cleaning like I used to. Physically I needed to rest when I could and exist in the new role I was in. Mentally I needed to cope with my new limitations instead of beating myself up for a made up version of motherhood. Sure there might be times I’m supermom but I needed to be okay being normal mom.
To my son: Mommy is trying the best she can while still trying to maintain her own identity. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my life will never be the same but it is a great thing. I’m changing into someone I never thought I could be. I’m doing things I didn’t think I was capable of. Most importantly I’m finding a new type of strength. I’ve always been able to physically push through things but mentally I’d block out and avoid anything that caused mental pain. Being your mommy is teaching me to deal with mental/emotional pain in the same way I deal w/ physical pain; head on and armed with as much knowledge as possible. My hope for you is that you’ll go through life the same way. With your eyes wide open and armed with as much knowledge as possible coupled with commonsense of course. And if you get married and your wife finds herself in a similar situation do what your dad did for me. Remind her she’s a wonderfully made human and you’ll support her through whatever. Also offer to take your little one so she can have a break knowing her child is close by and in the best hands (next to her own of course 😉
Postpartum recovery summary: Gross, painful, frustrating and emotionally draining.
If you’ve researched like I have then you know a lot of the things that go under each feeling I’ve listed. Bodily fluids sums up the gross part. Pain in your privates, back and hips. Frustration at how long it takes to START feeling better physically. What I didn’t focus on was researching the emotionally draining part of postpartum recovery…
After having my little man, I knew I’d have to take care of my son and my stitches. I knew I’d have to take it easy in order to protect my back. I knew breastfeeding and adjusting to a newborn would be hard. I also knew I wouldn’t immediately feel like myself. However I didn’t realize that knowing all of this wouldn’t ease the emotional toll all of this would have on me.
Breastfeeding:
I knew the technical aspects of breastfeeding but the reality was much trickier. I had a vision in my head of this being extremely hard but worthwhile if I just hung in there. I was pleasantly surprised at first… I was exhausted, inspired, sore and determined. As soon as I was able to I breastfeed, he was propped up on pillows in order to bring him closer to my chest comfortably and he latched on beautifully. I was in awe. All this time I was made to believe this would be something hard won and horrible yet here I was watching my son latch on without so much as a bit. Well (SIGH) that was only the first feeding and it was assisted. Things deteriorated from there.
I started a very frustrating cycle of being shown how to latch, getting it right in front of the nurse then crashing and burning when left to try it alone. I must have had every nurse, pediatrician and lactation consultant who came to my room show me how to get him to latch on properly. I should note that I was only there about 36hrs after delivery and the only reason I was there that long is because of how long it took to deliver him after my water broke. By the time we left the hospital I was just happy to be going home. I figured it was the stress of not sleeping due to being woken up often that caused our latching issue. I convinced myself it would get better once we were relaxing at home together and could do it exactly the way everyone showed me. I WAS WRONG. The latch seemed to be getting worse. I didn’t want nor could we afford to give him formula so I knew I had to make this work. At first I kept going over the paperwork I received from the hospital as well as the printouts I had from the breastfeeding class we took. All of my effort seemed to be rewarded one minute and futile the next so I decided to see a lactation consultant.
The lactation consultant was amazing. During my first visit my breasts were sore, one nipple had a chunk taken out of it and emotionally I felt like an idiot. Who was shown something that many times but still couldn’t get it right?! Well for our first appointment we were running horribly late, I was frustrated and my poor hubby was dealing with me and our son. By the time we left I thought I had it nailed but I scheduled a follow up appointment because I’d felt this way before in the hospital. I should mention he was weighed at each appointment to make sure he was eating enough while he was nursing. The second appointment I was a mess. He’d really hurt my nipples, the chunk was still missing from the right and now the left nipple seemed to be heading the same direction. To add insult to injury he hadn’t returned to his birth weight (he’d actually lost a little more) which meant he was in danger of getting a Failure to Thrive note. Failure to Thrive meant I could be encouraged (forced) to give him formula because he wasn’t gaining weight at an acceptable rate. Thankfully my LC saw he was a good eater and noticed that he might simply be going to sleep before he was completely full. She told me it seemed as though he was only eating enough to maintain his weight but not gain any. So she instructed me to use a nipple shield in order to allow the nipple to heal while still making sure my supply didn’t dip, use a breast pump, offer him a bottle (full of breast milk) after he stopped nursing and to make sure I woke him up every 2-3hrs in order to eat. We only lasted one night…
My son and I had the worse night ever. Between waking him up during the day and at night to feed every 2-3hrs both he and I were a hot mess. The nipple shield helped with the stinging pain I was feeling and allowed him to latch on but other than that we were horrible. I was so out of it that I spent most of the day crying. We were both miserable. All of us ended up at my in-laws house where I explained to them why I looked like I was going to die. His mom told me about her similar situation with my hubby when he was a baby and boy did that take the pressure off. She told me that he didn’t actually get to an “acceptable weight” until he was in his teens. This made me go home with a new confidence. I knew I didn’t need to wake us up that frequently in order for him to thrive. This new found confidence along with lots of YouTube videos about breastfeeding and proper latching helped tremendously. By the time I returned for our follow up appointment (only 3 days later) he’d gained enough weight for my LC to schedule a followup appointment with a nurse instead of with her. She also told me to think about getting the nursing pillow I used while in her office. I cried when I was able to get him to latch on comfortably without her help and she acknowledged my improved nipple appearance. She informed me as long as he returns to his birth weight by the next appointment I wouldn’t need any more appointments with her unless I wanted to schedule something. I never thought I’d cry in front of a stranger but you could’ve filled a lake with my tears.
The appointment with the nurse went great; he’d finally returned to his birth weight! I was no longer a sore hot mess. We still had tough days but the days were definitely improving. Here are the main things that (so far) have helped me continue the fight to breastfeed:
Sorry this post is void of any funny memes but I honestly couldn’t think of any considering I didn’t find anything funny about my struggle. Plus I know there are many other women who wish they had my “trouble” breastfeeding so I didn’t want to make light of such a touchy subject. I’m also not sure how many parts this will have but I am thinking of at least one more.
Thanks for being here to let me vent 🙂
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