I had it planned perfectly! We were going to go in on 7/29 full of excitement over getting off of work early and seeing our baby for the first time (technically spot on the screen but whatever). I would have been 8w2d which should be enough time to see the heartbeat as well as a sac. I was nervous but excited for what the future held. Could 9 couldn’t even express my excitement.

One week then two weeks and all of a sudden we were within a few days of our first appointment. Everything had been uneventful up until Monday. I went to the bathroom wiped like usual but saw something that almost always equaled problem, panic and fear in my head. A bright red spot was on the tissue.

No, I thought as I convinced myself I wiped too hard.

No, I thought as I continued to wipe because pregnant people don’t see spots.

No, I thought as I tried to push out every negative thing I’d read on the Fertility Friend forums about tragic endings after spotting.

No, I said out loud as I tried desperately to cling to the many women on the forums that reported spotting all throughout pregnancy who ended up having a perfectly healthy baby.

I could talk to myself in the bathroom no more as I heard the bell at the front desk ring loud. DING again as I rushed to wash my hands and compose myself. Thankfully someone else grabbed it and sat the package on my chair. I sat there mindlessly taking the package where it needed to go all the while wondering if this was all ending suddenly. I calmly sat at my desk working while my brain thought of every horrible scenario possible (ectopic, early miscarriage, molar, burst fallopian tube, etc) even some that didn’t make sense. I went back to the bathroom but didn’t see anything. “See”, I told myself, “you’re just paranoid. You really need to stay off of those forums”. I tried to avoid drinking anything so I didn’t have to use the bathroom again but I did. More spotting but brighter… The end of the day finally came and I honestly can’t remember if i even mentioned it to my husband.

7/20/15 – The spotting continued. I couldn’t take it so I called the advice nurse. I explained what was going on and she was very understanding. She said since I hadn’t been seen yet they couldn’t rule out anything so I needed to come in as soon as possible. She reassured me this is common in early pregnancy and that everything was most likely fine. I calmly called my husband to see if he could make arrangements to meet me there and I told my boss what was going on and that I had to leave during my lunch and wouldn’t be coming back just in case I received bad news. As my backup came to the front I simply said I had a last minute appointment and left as I tried to hold back tears. All I kept thinking was we finally conceive and I lose the baby before our first appointment.

Hubby must have been flying because he made it to my job in record time. We decided to take one vehicle since I wasn’t in the mood to drive anyways. Upon arriving I was beyond nervous. I was making bad jokes and trying everything I could think of to take the sting out of hearing/ seeing nothing on the screen. We sat in the waiting room wondering if we’d leave glowing or grieving. Finally we were called. I was shocked when she said oh you have to wait here we’ll come get you when she’s ready. I left looking into my husband’s eyes trying not to run out like a child. I woman’ed up and went through the process. Weight, height, blood pressure, temperature, getting undressed, being asked domestic and drug questions then waiting. She popped back in to ask what my … name was. I quickly answered my Husband’s name is… I understand not everyone is married for their own reasons but I wanted to let her know his title 🙂 Minutes later he’s in the room with me. It is just him and I so I tell him why he couldn’t come back. We joked about there not being any protection for abused husbands then the Nurse Practitioner came in. My normal OB (technically NP) wasn’t there until tomorrow so I saw someone else. She explained what she was going to do, made light jokes in order to make us feel better and eventually gave us an honest talk. Apparently she has dealt with lots of first time parents and knew she needed to be fun but honest with us. She told us that certain “activities” irritate the cervix but it is nothing to worry about considering how much is going on down there. She also said to take it easy;)

The moment of truth finally came. Ultrasound (US) time. I prepared to slide down the blanket exposing my abdomen only to be surprised by her telling me to spread em! I had no idea they went in vaginally this early. I assumed it would be like in the movies; they’d put goop on my ab area and presto chango. I was horribly wrong but the goop was still used. (Picture a shocked face here) Then it happened. Everything was exactly where it should be and she turned up the sound so we could hear the heartbeat. I expected one of us to cry but we both sat there stupefied. The whole appointment seemed like it went by in a flash and we were extremely grateful for the outcome but a few things stick out.

1. Spotting is normal especially after certain “activities”
2. NPs (at least the ones I’ve dealt with) have a great sense of humor
3. Our Medical Assistance stressed arriving early, bringing all of our paperwork and peeing in the cup as if we were late and knew we were supposed to pee in a cup before hand. I politely reminded her that this was our first appointment and we were here for what we thought was a last minute emergency appt
   1. Irony, said medical assistant had to call me because she prematurely threw out my urine sample and was requesting I come in for another
4. New US technology is awesome
5. Hearing baby’s heartbeat for the first time can be a huge thrill/ relief but also a huge blur so record it if possible
6. My OB (technically NP) is amazing and she followed up with me the next day to say pelvic rest (no “activities”) until the bleeding stopped but everything looked normal and this was simply a precaution